trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart
I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.
-F Scott Fitzgerald
"i just want to wander and zigzag and tiptoe around the world for a while, and scratch it and vacuum goodness from it, to the greatest quantity i can possibly gather and grasp, just forget about success and the future and trying to `shape my life' and loss and mcdeath and micro$oft and rent and "meaning" and relationships and just:
do what really fucking matters,
which really, is each little human's personal thing. and my personal thing, my pretties, is everything! and i am not just speaking of this site, i mean everything, this entire earth, the fragrances, a sculpture, romeo and juliet, some stars, the feeling of running, a mislaid book, a weary traveler, coffee in a styrofoam cup and the energy emanating from the body of a person in love.
i just want to be allowed to do whatever i damn want.. many might see it as a personal weakness but i cannot for the life of me satisfy myself with thoughts of something better, whilst doing something i loathe. if i have a mind-numbing, depressing job, i can't be happy knowing that later, i can read, i can collapse on the floor or cry for no reason if i want. i have to be able to do whatever i want, when i want. otherwise, i feel an urge to die. i never see the point in doing things i do not need to do. i'm sure some of you might tell me you need to get your hands a little dirty in order to work for what you want.. the things i want don't require work though. the things i want just require me to have the bravery to... dash about and write a while and sneak into theaters and kiss a stranger and steal a sailboat and be part of a cabaret show and see a castle and touch some stone.. play in disneyland, pretend to be a child, draw graphs which map quite ludicrous things.. just, anything.
i have to have the courage to be an absolute nobody. this is all i really want."
What do I want? I want to start my mornings on a balcony [preferably in Rome!] having breakfast with The Boy in the sunshine. I want to continue writing here at Sparkles & Crumbs. As this awesome 5-year-old says, "I care if I do something that's special!" Sometimes, incredible messages like this really make me wonder whether the last two are actually the same thing. Lovely Amanda Cupcake comments that Sparkles & Crumbs "lights up a sparkler somewhere in me" - well, her words of wisdom do the same for me:
"To any of you
who are afraid of making a change..
stepping into the unknown..
That is a scary place.
But I can tell you..
That everything happens for a reason..
And gradually, the little lights on your path will start to light up. ♥"
I need to replace fear with curiosity and courage! I need to stop being scared and start being brave. I need to look for opportunities to do things I love, things that sound exciting and heart-swelling, whatever the risk.
[My friend's amazing adventures in Bali!]
"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep alone under the stars. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no whenever you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide if you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing."
Another place that inspires me lately is the Brave Girls' Club - it's incredible! Sign up to receive free 'Daily Truths,' and you get this kind of encouragement sent straight to your inbox every evening:
"Great hopes make great women.
Noble dreams make noble women.
Incredible acts create incredible women.
Brave choices make brave women.
It is not much harder than that. DO the things that emulate the kind of woman that you want to become. BE the kind of woman that you admire...
Every day, in everything you do... every choice and every thought... you are becoming the phenomenal woman that you are meant to become. You are already there... imagine how amazing you will be when you keep up the great work!"
Another awesome piece of advice, from Gala Darling:
"Stop looking outside yourself for people to emulate. Stop waiting to meet someone who is going to *make you happy.*
Be your own superhero.
...You are your own greatest untapped resource. Knowing that you can rely on yourself, that you can pull yourself out of bad moods, that you have the ability to direct your life wherever you want it to go — is one of the best things you could ever do for yourself.
Aim to ‘wow’ yourself daily.
Learn how to put together an amazing outfit, get your pilot’s license, learn Mandarin, give yourself an incredible orgasm, speak in public, throw a stonking party, write a book, paint a masterpiece… You are the only person who can change your life. Hop to it!"
Next time I'm freaking out, I must remember: I have a secret life as a Sparkles & Crumbs superhero. I can fly. No need for fear. Just faith.
"There is probably no point in my going into your questions now; for what I could say about your tendency to doubt or about your inability to bring your outer and inner lives into harmony or
about all the other thing that oppress you - is just what I have already said: just the wish that you may find in yourself enough patience to endure and enough simplicity to have faith...
And as for the rest, let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always...
I am glad, in a word, that you... are solitary and courageous, somewhere in a rugged reality. May the coming year support and strengthen you in that.
R. M. Rilke"